Peace, Love and Harmony the New Way

Let’s begin this one sided dialogue by delving in to the “New Age” movement.  Has anyone truly addressed this?  Well, back in 1984, someone took a hit of peyote while meditating then decided Old=bad, New=Good, Recycled Old Bad Made To Look New=Better.  That was the extent of it. It started to catch on. Back on that day in 1984 the vibrational energy of "ohm" aligned with some extraterrestrial, resulting in a harmonic convergence.  The consciousness of the earth thus began changing. The Universe began her labor, preparing to give birth to unicorns, butterflies, double rainbows and organic food.

Every enterprising a-hole out there jumped on this marketing bandwagon. That's what all of this is. Marketing. Next thing you know, every Stepford wife in suburbia is doing yoga, farting patchouli, shopping at Whole Foods and blogging about how to recycle tampons into coffee tables.

It’s Yuppies being Hippies.  It’s peace, love and harmony shoved into a pair of Lululemons. 

Religion is out.  Spiritualty is in. Seriously, Jesus is sooo last year. He’s been remarketed to an “Ascended Master”.  Yes. Use that  term now. It makes you appear open minded instead of stuffy like, Baptist Aunt Ida.  It also separates you from sounding like a journalist on FOX news.  And thanks to Steve Jobs everyone rushed out and bought Autobiography of a Yogi, so they too could figure out the secret to building a billion dollar empire through some sort of karmic-you-owe-me thing.

So what has happened? Religion, dogma and rituals were thrown into a cosmic pot and melted together, the hip parts rose to the top and out came New Age.  Here's what was left.

Deepak Chopra: Because Oprah says so.

Hinduism:  Because Deepak Chopra says so.

Buddhism:  It’s cool.  So cool, that the New Agers decided to pick and choose bits and pieces of it to fit their own needs.  Like the vegetarian part. It just sounds far more pretentious, not to mention, catchy, to ramble on to people who don’t give a shit about how you refuse to eat “anything with a face” or " anything with eyelashes”. 

Reincarnation: Awesome.  Why take accountability for your actions when you can blame it on you, three thousand years ago?  Now you can say "Oh, yea. It was me not me who did it".

Crystals: Rocks that no one cared about thirty years ago, but you can make money selling them to a bunch of chicks that are insecure about men.

Tibetan Singing Bowls:  Where else would you put your keys?

Fasting:  Back in the old days, if you didn’t have any food you starved…they were so spiritual, weren’t they?

Worshiping the Feminine:  As if pole dancing wasn’t already evidence for this.

Channeling:  Yes, you too can have some Nordic Viking that just “got it” take over your body.  If you are uncomfortable with that notion, you can see someone else that can do it, use Celtic music for some added ambiance and make up a bunch of nonsensical jibberish. For the low price of only $1,200 for a weekend with “Gemini”, whose BFF’s are Jesus, Buddha and Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute; you too can connect with your consciousness.  If you are poor, and can’t afford it, that’s your problem.  Cough it up bitches.  Enlightenment isn’t free.

Facebook:  Why would you be spiritual and not make sure everyone knows about it?  Isn’t that the point of being spiritual anyway?

Meditation:  Sit quietly and feel guilty because you can’t sit quietly.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to take my rescue dog for his chakra alignment.

 Have a good weekend.