Peace, Love and Harmony the New Way

Let’s begin this one sided dialogue by delving in to the “New Age” movement.  Has anyone truly addressed this?  Well, back in 1984, someone took a hit of peyote while meditating then decided Old=bad, New=Good, Recycled Old Bad Made To Look New=Better.  That was the extent of it. It started to catch on. Back on that day in 1984 the vibrational energy of "ohm" aligned with some extraterrestrial, resulting in a harmonic convergence.  The consciousness of the earth thus began changing. The Universe began her labor, preparing to give birth to unicorns, butterflies, double rainbows and organic food.

Every enterprising a-hole out there jumped on this marketing bandwagon. That's what all of this is. Marketing. Next thing you know, every Stepford wife in suburbia is doing yoga, farting patchouli, shopping at Whole Foods and blogging about how to recycle tampons into coffee tables.

It’s Yuppies being Hippies.  It’s peace, love and harmony shoved into a pair of Lululemons. 

Religion is out.  Spiritualty is in. Seriously, Jesus is sooo last year. He’s been remarketed to an “Ascended Master”.  Yes. Use that  term now. It makes you appear open minded instead of stuffy like, Baptist Aunt Ida.  It also separates you from sounding like a journalist on FOX news.  And thanks to Steve Jobs everyone rushed out and bought Autobiography of a Yogi, so they too could figure out the secret to building a billion dollar empire through some sort of karmic-you-owe-me thing.

So what has happened? Religion, dogma and rituals were thrown into a cosmic pot and melted together, the hip parts rose to the top and out came New Age.  Here's what was left.

Deepak Chopra: Because Oprah says so.

Hinduism:  Because Deepak Chopra says so.

Buddhism:  It’s cool.  So cool, that the New Agers decided to pick and choose bits and pieces of it to fit their own needs.  Like the vegetarian part. It just sounds far more pretentious, not to mention, catchy, to ramble on to people who don’t give a shit about how you refuse to eat “anything with a face” or " anything with eyelashes”. 

Reincarnation: Awesome.  Why take accountability for your actions when you can blame it on you, three thousand years ago?  Now you can say "Oh, yea. It was me not me who did it".

Crystals: Rocks that no one cared about thirty years ago, but you can make money selling them to a bunch of chicks that are insecure about men.

Tibetan Singing Bowls:  Where else would you put your keys?

Fasting:  Back in the old days, if you didn’t have any food you starved…they were so spiritual, weren’t they?

Worshiping the Feminine:  As if pole dancing wasn’t already evidence for this.

Channeling:  Yes, you too can have some Nordic Viking that just “got it” take over your body.  If you are uncomfortable with that notion, you can see someone else that can do it, use Celtic music for some added ambiance and make up a bunch of nonsensical jibberish. For the low price of only $1,200 for a weekend with “Gemini”, whose BFF’s are Jesus, Buddha and Zamfir, Master of the Pan Flute; you too can connect with your consciousness.  If you are poor, and can’t afford it, that’s your problem.  Cough it up bitches.  Enlightenment isn’t free.

Facebook:  Why would you be spiritual and not make sure everyone knows about it?  Isn’t that the point of being spiritual anyway?

Meditation:  Sit quietly and feel guilty because you can’t sit quietly.

I hate to cut this short, but I have to take my rescue dog for his chakra alignment.

 Have a good weekend.

The Cracked Crystal Ball

Trust me, I am more skeptical than most about psychics.  There are lots of charlatans out there that will take your hard earned cash with no conscience. These people prey on the gullible and laugh all the way to the bank.  They know how to read body language, watch for facial tension, pick up on vocal inflections and ask questions in a manner that simply garners information they can use later.  In short, if they were blindfolded and had to merely talk without asking questions, they would fail.

Then there are the real ones.  The ones that can genuinely help with big problems, assist with life decisions or give you a boost.  Many are also mediums and can provide information or messages (without asking questions) about your deceased loved ones. You should walk away from a reading feeling inspired, energetic, invigorated and healed. Not cheated or full of questions. Sometimes, knowing your grandma is still around and has made it to the other side is a very comforting thing.

This is a cautionary tale.  Rather than provide you with a list of things you should look for in a psychic, I’d much rather provide you with this story. It’s just far too good to not pass on.

I once met a nationally renowned psychic who decided she wanted to “take me under her wing.” Naturally, I was enthused when I found out and agreed to visit with her.  I found on her website, she had posted numerous videos of her television appearances. 

In one appearance, she stated, “The President will have lots of trouble with the economy”.  The interviewer was astounded as if she was receiving some sort of earth shattering news. The next sentence had my jaw on the floor.  “I am seeing that the economy will start picking up again”.  Really lady?  Could you be more vague?  What President hasn’t had lots of trouble with the economy?  And when has the economy not eventually picked up? My dog could have figured that out while licking his own ass.

Red flag.

We corresponded via email for several weeks.  She was throwing out ridiculously stupid comments about what she was seeing in my life. “I feel like you have been really stressed out”,  “It feels like perhaps you are having some financial difficulties”.  No and no.  I wasn’t stressed out and there was plenty of money in the bank.  These feeble shots in the dark went on for a week or so. 

I told her that it felt like her right foot had caused her significant problems.  I could feel she had recently had surgery on it.  I also suggested that the flowers sitting on her kitchen table were dying because she was being too negative about her foot and that’s why it wasn’t healing properly.  Bingo and a huge mistake on my part.

Suddenly, she wanted me on the radio with her.  She wanted to take me to Psychic Trade Shows, co-author a book and get me networking with the “right” people.  Oh, the money I could make!!!  One email consisted of a years worth of cyberspace why I should be charging lots of money for my “ability” and how she could be my agent.  It made me sick at my stomach.

It was far too entertaining to just let it go.  She arranged a time that we would talk on the phone and exchange readings.  Oh, hell yea.  I was in.

I was told that I had already been through 33,000 lifetimes.  I had an Angel named Bob or something that watched over me.  I was head strong and Bob said that it was time for me to start putting my own artwork on the wall (she already knew I was an artist).  My mother was supportive of my photography and artwork, she just didn’t tell me enough, but she wished she could come to visit more often.   I was going to become very, very sick, but I would survive.

All of this was said with the confidence of a serial killer.  33,000 lifetimes?  Impressive how she knew that,  Hang up my artwork?  Oh, the insight!  Yes, my mother did in fact have difficulty traveling and communicating.  She’s dead!  Yes, I was very, very sick.  The conversation was making me nauseous.

Now, it was my turn. 

I told her all I could see was a bird on her shoulder making up stories and repeating everything it heard.

She never called me back.