Wooky-Wooky-Woo-Woo. You're Healed.

It is only fair to say that I was a part of the whole “Namaste” culture for a while.  I met some absolutely wonderful, beautiful souls that I adore and would trust with my life.  In the end, when the pixie dust settled, I was disillusioned, feeling truly heartbroken that greed is a major player with some of these so-called healers.  A select few are the biggest assholes you will ever meet. 

A few years ago, I did contract work at a yoga studio.  The owners were so excited they had booked an event with a well known guy that did Energy Healing with sound bowls, or crystals or magic wands or fairy wings.   I don’t even remember exactly what he used, but he made damn sure that everyone knew he was a  “compassionate healer”.   His flyer and website boasted his “passion” for healing people.  He was already in town for some kind of event, so this was just an extra gig for him.  Well, no one was interested.  Two people bought tickets at the studio to see him.  He threw a royal bitch fit, screaming at the top of his lungs--  “How am I supposed to make money with only two people? I most certainly am not wasting my time for two people”.  He hung up and refused to answer his phone the rest of the day.  No cash.  No healing. 

A few months later, I was introduced to a Medium that was so arrogant; she actually trademarked her professional title.  She marketed herself as an “Energy Healer”, “Medical Intuitive” and “Intuitive Karmic Lifestyle Holistic Manifesting Law of Attraction Epic Abundance Healer Gifted Medium Psychic Star Trek Capitan Life Coach Yoda Author Spontaneous Human Combustion Jedi Akashic Master™”.  Empty souls flocked to her like crazy.  Initially, she started out charging anywhere from $60-$70 a visit which was really reasonable.  Then, she started getting really full of herself and last I knew, a session had gone up to $225 an hour; but you have to book with her weekly and put your credit card on file so she can charge you.  If you cancel, she charges you anyway.  I had a friend do some sessions with her a few times. My friend cancelled an appointment one time on short notice because her child was sent home from daycare with the flu.  Energy Healer ™, sent a nasty-gram via email about how valuable her time was, not to mention how outwardly rude it was to cancel right before an appointment.  Apparently, that wasn’t enough and she left an equally bitchy voicemail the following day.  Can you feel the love?

I received a gift certificate to see this woman.  After signing a mound of liability releases, enduring her "me, me, me, me, I'm so fucking terrific" speech, and the sales pitch for the plethora of other insanely expensive services she offered, we got to the meat. 

I was told I had been a Buddhist monk in a previous lifetime and had taken a vow of poverty.  This was why I was not making tons of money right now.   Perhaps the fact that someone had given me a gift certificate meant I was poor?  I had not let go of that lifetime and had energetically hung on to my vow.  She started waving some kind of Harry Potter wand over me and whispering some sort of wooky-wooky-woo-woo stuff to the Vow of Poverty Release Gods that she lunched with on Saturdays. She removed it for me!  Yay!  Now, I could safely move on past the issue that I never knew I had in the first place.  Oh, the relief. 

Next, I was asked to name the first animal that came to my mind.  I still don’t know what that meant. 

After she made some odd clicking noises, I was told that I had also had lived in India three billion years ago (or something like that) and was a gifted healer.  I was anti social and died in the woods by myself.  People had stepped over my carcass and it hurt my feelings because I had given my life to help them.  Then, the wooky-wooky-woo-woo-Harry Potter stuff started up again.  This time, I struggled with every fiber of my current being not to start laughing.  The timer went off.  It was over. I never did find out how my feelings were hurt when I was dead.  I think it was more about rigor mortis body image issues than feeling betrayed.

Lastly, I was warned about the excessive “stress” I was under.  Was I under stress?  I didn’t think so, but what did I know?  I was in no way capable of knowing that about myself.  Energy Healer™ did.  To be honest, I was a bit stressed.  My stomach was beginning to sound like a junior high school band warming up and one wrong move was going to generate a very awkward moment.  Maybe that’s what she meant.  I had gained nothing from this. At least she could have thrown something my way that was helpful. 

When all of this was over, she asked me what I thought.  I really had nothing to say but “Thank you”.  I imagine to someone as self centered as her, giving no feedback was like getting a “fuck you”.  I kind of liked that notion.  I was encouraged to book sessions into my next eighteen lifetimes, or even better, her join her Spiritual Cash Manifesting© class.  It was only $595. I politely declined.  I knew I would write about it someday.  Whew.  I did.  I feel better.